June 26, 2011 at 1:41am
It was a cold dawn and by the shore I stood barefooted. I took out both my hands from the pockets of my trenchcoat and removed my gloves. I touched my face and tried to warm it up with my bare hands. It was indeed cold and I could definitely feel it on my cheeks. I've always wanted to see the sun rise from the shore since the view on my window has always been the polluted urban area.
But that was not the point.
I wanted to feel the fresh air from the shore. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to smell the free air unenclosed by walls nor even polluted. All my life I've been suffocating. It's time I savour the goodness in breathing.I took out my hands and let the cold wind pass through between my fingers. It definitely had a relaxing effect. I could feel something... or somebody filling in the gaps between them. At last, I no longer felt lonely. I may not see the wind but I definitely feel it. It made me feel that it has always been there with me. I never noticed that until now. What I just needed to do is to close my eyes and feel it.
He was different from the wind.
He was there physically, yes. I can see him but I felt that he was away. My eyes are wide open and I can see him standing in front of me, I could hear him talk yet I could not feel his presence at all. When I close my eyes, he's gone. In other words, I am lonely.
I treated him like the air but I was never treated the other way around.
He never treated me like the air. The air that he needed to breathe. I was never a necessity for him, just an option perhaps... I was never the one he needed to live. I was never even that person who gave him the reason he was in this world. He has always been nice but that's all. He was nice because I've been good to him but to impress me was never the reason why. How I wish I was everything and the only thing he needed. But apparently, I was not...
I wonder what it would be like if I were the wind and the air?
What would it be like if you were the one who needs me? What if I were the one who is like the wind who could pass freely and take everything away in just one go. How I wish that were the case. How I wish I could move on and be free. Free from all kind of hurt and enjoy the beauty of moving on.
And here I am, standing by the shore as memories flash into my mind. I remember everything. And on that moment on that shore with the cold wind blowing through my face, I realize that everything that happened in the past is not worth it. I shouldn't be suffocating myself from dirty air. I deserve something nice just like the air I'm breathing right now. And with that same air, it taught me that I needed to be the wind and look for the someone who would turn a gusting wind into a still air that would give life to that person.
The sun's ray beamed over the ocean's end and then I started to open my eyes. I waved goodbye to the wind and sea and put my gloves on back again and place my hands in my pockets. I walked back to my car with a smile on my face knowing that not a new chapter unfolds but a new blank book has opened its pages for me to write on again.